Aspies are not good at gray scales. For better or worse, they are more prone to black and white thinking and acting and judging.
If an Aspie determines, that a thing, a person, a concept is good, the Aspie is all – as in 100% – “in”. If the same is determined bad, it is all – as in 100% – “out”. No doubt clouds the Aspie’s mind.
This makes for some obvious specialties: an Aspie may utter the most convincing, touching, and radical love declarations. Likewise, the end of the same love might be just as crystal clear and final.
If the Aspie determines that one brand of cereal, one diet, or one party or conspiracy theory is right (or wrong), there is no stopping that Aspie’s zeal to tell the world.
The Aspie has a hard time holding two sides of an argument up simultaneously over time. It is hard to stand the ambiguity of the real world. Patience, and the openness to not know what is right and wrong, is hard.
In romantic relationship development, some Aspies might find it hard to get to know a person, meet that person multiple times, go to dates over an extended period, maybe have other flirts or romantic relationships in parallel, and then, over the course of months or years, slowly realize how special that person is and fall in love. The Aspie might much rather get to know a person and immediately determine if this is a “go” or “no go” situation. If it is “go”, the Aspie may well be the most faithful and monogamous partner possible.
One result of this “black and white” feature is what many descriptions of ASD call the “loyalty” of Aspies. It is true that it might be hard to find non-Aspies more determined and loyal than a convinced Aspie – be it as a partner, a supporter, a voter, or a friend.
The second order effects of this trait can be tragic, sad, or horrible. Both such Aspies themselves, as their surroundings, might think those judgements and statements are final and etched in stone. So, over time, they might turn in a vicious circle and finally end up lonely, grumpy, sad, or angry. And various horrible things might ensue.
Meanwhile, the secret to handling an Aspie is to know about the other side of this trait: openness to changing one’s mind. While the “black and white” tendency often appears final, stubborn, difficult, conservative, numb, or self-opinionated to others, the Aspie in truth is often wide open to listen to real arguments and switch to another opinion.
Try this with your Aspie, and you might be in for a great surprise. This applies in any situation: if you live with an Aspie, if you are an Aspie and talk to another, or… if you yourself are the Aspie! I see many Aspies who dig themselves into a hole with this “black and white” issue.